Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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