Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
