Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
