I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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