He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize