I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
