Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He better not be in your backpack
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
