Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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