listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
