I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
