hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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