My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
