yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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