I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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