he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
