I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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