I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
