It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
