My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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