is your mom at the bar?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He has the fingertips of a God
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize