those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
