are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
