my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
