My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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