We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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