i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
