Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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