there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
