The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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