you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
