I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
