I am midnight drunk by noon
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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