so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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