I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
