If i come over, it means nothing
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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