i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
