A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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