one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
