Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
