fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
