I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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