i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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