He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
