3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
