im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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