you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize