Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
