My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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