he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i dont even know how to be here
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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