I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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