70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
