Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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