Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
