I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
