I think I won the penis lottery.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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