i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
