Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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