I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You ruined the universe
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
