I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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